Life's not fair?

Yesterday I went to the O & G clinic for consultation. I was attended by Prof. Hatta. I knew that this was not an ordinary consultation like I used to have before. You see, altho' Prof Hatta was actually supposed to be the doctor attending and treating me, but because of his busy schedule being a lecturer at HUKM as well, he thus referred me to his assistant doctors such as Dr. Suguna, who was then later replaced by Dr. Razzi. I have no problem with this, as I know these doctors are constantly in contact with Prof. Hatta when it comes to making decisions. But seeing Prof. Hatta himself was there in the O & G clinic yesterday nevertheless, did set my heart a little bit pounding.

As E-Ya and me entered the doctor's room, Prof. Hatta already had my file in front of him. He smiled at us and said, "Assalamualaikum". We replied the salam and seated ourselves. Suddenly Prof. Hatta put his left hand on his forehead and sighed. Whoaa... what's all this, I said in my heart.

"Kakak ingat hari tu saya kata nak buat operation pada kakak" he started. I nod my head and he continued. "Begini, nampaknya kita ada sedikit perubahan ..." What now, I said. Again in my heart.

"Saya sebenarnya pening ni". Yup, you read it right. That was what he said. He then continued, "Actually if you had the operation or not there's actually no difference". At that moment I was like"Huh? What do you mean by that?". But again I did not say it loud. Only in my heart, but I guess the confusion must have been reflected on my face for the Prof then continued, "Macam ni... normally cancer such as yours surgery is the first treatment given. In the surgery we will remove the uterus and sorrounding affected lymphnodes. But you had that lump on the neck, remember? Now because it's also cancerous, the Onco unit decided to radiate your uterus first to prevent the cancer from spreading to other parts of the body". OK, that part I understood. It was already explained to me earlier by the oncologist, nothing new.

"Actually we doctors pening macam mana nak treat you.." Yup, you read right again. He used the word "pening" twice already. With that I finally opened my mouth and said, "Cancer macam saya punya ni uncommon ke kat Malaysia ni?" (Cewah... terprasanlah pulak...)

"No, not that uncommon. No doubt in Malaysia most cancer cases of the female reproductive system is the cervical cancer, but endometrial is on the rise. In America in fact, endometrial cancer is the no:4 killer there". Oh OK... Actually that part about the America I already knew as I had read about this somewhere on the net before. But what I'm concerned is what's happening here in Malaysia, not elsewhere. Remembering some other info as well I thus said, "Setahu saya mmng di Western country case endomentrial cancer common, tp in Asia it's not that common, betul ke?"

"Macam yang saya cakap tadi. It's on the rise. Cervical cancer dah lama di ketahui up to the level that we now have vaccine to prevent it. But for endometrial, there is still none. So nanti akan tiba satu ketika kita akan lihat cervical cancer cases going down and endometrial cancer pulak will go up" he added.

He continued, "In your case, our concern was that your cancer was one of the most aggressive that we have ever seen. Remember, when you had the DD&C done at Pusrawi and just a few days later when I did your staging we suddenly saw that you developed a cancerous lump on your neck? That shows how aggressive your cancer is" he paused and looked at me. I almost laughed to see his expression at that time. With his hand still on his forehead, sometimes rubbing across it and talking slow, so politely and all . Err.. You all must be thinking that maybe I have a few screws loose up there in my head. You know ... to be able to still laugh upon hearing such info. Its not that I don't care or anything like that, I don't know...but that's just me...

Prof. Hatta continued, "It's so aggressive, hari ni tak de apa-apa, the next day dah timbul kat leher. So in that sense your case is a bit unusual. Tu yang kami berpeluh tu, tak tau nak tackle macam mana". Oh boy, what was I to say then? If the doctors are pening thinking about it, me? I pulak double pening hearing about it...Seriously at that moment I just did not know what to say except smile ... Boleh ke ...

Prof. Hatta did mentioned he was also afraid that since I've already been radiated, the operation that was suppose to be just a minor one for me, could turn major as it could give serious complications to the nearby organs such as bladder, urethra, rectum or even kidneys. Thus, he asked me whether I wanted to risk all that, or just leave it as it is as my other organs are still OK. To make sure, he wanted me to go for another ultra sound at the Gynae clinic downstairs.

In the ultra sound room I was introduced to a Dr. Mashitah. The first comment she made when seeing me was, "Kurusnya badan..." Yeah.. like I've never heard that before. Hahaha... Like always, my infamous reply was "Saya memang macam ni..." Dr. Mashitah then started scanning at the pelvic, after that the abdomen. I managed to turn my head towards the monitor to see how's the inside of my body looks like and trust me, I can't make head or tail what the image represents at all. It was all gray and black to me. But my hats off to these doctors who can really tell the different organs through such images.

As Dr. Mashitah was scanning the right hand side of my abdomen she said, "Awak ni kurus sangat sampaikan kidney awakpun saya boleh nampak jelas kat sini" Hahaha ... I know I'm thin but not THAT thin! I was thankful to God when she again confirmed that my liver and kidneys are in good shape. Only the uterus is slightly swollen and there's fluid in it. Your guess is as good as mine. How in the world did fluid get in there? But alas, I forgot to ask the doctor.

With the ultra sound done I was again called up for further discussion with Prof. Hatta. As what he had said earlier, operation or no operation the outcome is still the same. As for the fluid in the uterus he asked whether the oncologist would consider giving me a brachy - an internal radiation, through you know where... I replied by saying that I've an appoinment with them next week, I guess I'll find out then. Before ending the consultation, Prof. Hatta re-explained the situation about my case. I'll say it straight here although the good Prof. was very cautious with his words when he conveyed it to us.

The conclusion (as of now), is actually this. The Prof. is saying that he and his team has done about everything that they could do for me. My cancer is already stage 4. With or without operaton the situation will not change. So it's more or less up to me to whether go through with operation and risk the other good organs in my body or just leave it be with no guarantee that it won't spread in future. A catch 22 situation. What should I do?

But the Prof. did mentioned that if at any time I feel anything amiss or I suddenly find myself bleeding I must come and seek treatment back from HUKM, pronto. With that, he wrote me my next appointment in two months time from now.

I must really pat E-Ya's and my back during the discussion. E-Ya especially, did not burst into tears like she did the first time I was diagnosed with cancer. Kalau dia nangis hari tu, alamatnya akupun mungkin meraung jugak. Hahaha... Knowing that you're practically doomed is serious matter but we kept our calm. I have always told E-Ya and myself that whatever the outcome just accept it, as God knows better. I always console myself by saying God did not choose me to go through all this for nothing.

Even as we walked towards the carpark, E-Ya and me can still joked about my illness. E-Ya said, "Acik dengar tak Prof. Hatta kata tadi kanser Acik tu aggressive?" I replied, "Ya... so?" "Tulah, Acik ni masa sihat memang aggressive, dapat kanser sel pun yg aggressive jugak. Hebat betul" she continued. Hahaha ...

However in the car, E-Ya said something that I never thought would come out from her. As we were talking she suddenly said, "Life is just not fair" Huh, apa kena pulak budak ni... so I asked her, "What do you mean?"

"Yelah... orang lain tu ramai lagi yang jahat-jahat tapi tak de pun kena apa-apa. Hidup dia orang elok aje..." E-Ya, oh E-Ya. If you read this, remember again what I've always told you.

First of all, Tenkayuuu... sebab secara tak langsung kau acknowledge jugak akhirnya yang Acik kau ni baik yerrr... Hehehe...terkembang sikit. Tapi you shouldn't say that life is not fair, because as you know our life, ajal maut semuanya telah ditentukan oleh Tuhan. So when you say life is not fair, in other words you are also saying that God Himself is not fair. Nauzubillah. God picked us to go through all these because we are special, He knows we can endure it. In handling this situation, insyaalah God is guiding us as He wants us to become His better umat.

Alamak terlebih prasan ke ni? Whateverlah... tapi bukankah Tuhan akan hanya menguji umatnya dgn ujian yang termampu olehnya? So Tuhan tahu aku mampu menghadapi semua ini. Aku cuma concern because my illness has some way or another contribute stress to my family members especially si E-Ya lah since she is the closest to me. You see si E-Ya ni dijaga oleh aku eversince she was 4 years old. She herself has gone through a lot and I know my cancer tops it all.

As for me whatever the doctors have related, I accept it with open heart. No doubt it's hard for a patient like me to hear all this but I know it must be even harder for the doctors themselves to have to say all these things to patients. It must be frustrating to say to a patient something like, "Sorry, we have done everything that we could for you" when they know their duty is to save lives and not say that the patient has run out of chances.

I have no regrets at all. Knowing my situation is as such, does not mean that I will lose hope. I will still continue with my life and live it to the fullest. If modern medicine cannot cure me, maybe God can. Until the time comes for me to go, I'll do whatever it is that I can do. If that fails too, then so be it. Whatever happens I just pray to God that he gives me the oppurtunity to fulfill all my obligations first. I hope He grants me that wish. Ameen...