Here's to you Doc!

Salam to all. Nak melepaskan geram sikit kali ni...

My last visit to the doctor at O&G was a disapointment. Sorry to say lah... but that's what I felt. This was also the reason why I was not in mood for anything because the whole of last 2 weeks I felt like punching the doctor in the face aje.

Here's to you Doc! Dhushh! Dhushh!

Grrr!!!

Astaghafirullah! Alas, I'm only human. I err and have many flaws. Hee ... dah lama tak geram macam ni tau ...

Ok. OK... This was what happened. As usual we, (meaning E-Ya and me lah sapa lagi...) made our way to the O & G (Colonoscopy) unit a few minutes before the stipulated time. My number was 5. As usual waiting period was about 1 hour. OK, itu semua no hal. When I was called in, I saw a not familiar face sitting at the doctor's table. " Doktor lain lagi ni ..." I mumbled under my breath. Again tak kisahlah tu semua. So long as each and every doctor yg attend my case knows about my condition and medical history, I have no problem with that. Nevertheless, I did take note that he was the 4th doctor attending me and this is only at the O&G unit we're talking about. As I've said I do not mind all this as I understand HUKM being a learning university, doctors' schedule are tight so they come and go.

Back to that doctor story. I have not met him before and have never seen him at this clinic before either. Ntah dari mana datangpun ntah lah. Dari negera GoHead GoStan kot... Hee ...!

When we entered, I saw he was flicking through the pages in my file. We gave our salam and seated ourselves. As usual, nurse Kismah was standing beside the doctor's table with my appointment card.

"When did you have your operation?", he suddenly said. Huh? Bila pulak aku kena operate ni? I said in my heart. At the same time I was also a bit pissed off. Obviously the doctor did not read my case carefully. He was not reading my latest report. In my books, he already failed ...

Nevertheless, I said, "I didn't have an operation. I was just radiated" was the reply, short.

"Oh ..." he said, flicking a few pages. Then he continued, "I see here that your neck is a problem"

Me again in my heart was, "Huh? My neck? A problem?" You gotta be joking. I just had it radiated two months prior and you said it's still a problem? This same neck that you have not seen or touched eversince I entered a few minutes ago? I know I still have a pea size lump at the collarbone vein, but it cannot be seen but touched to know that it's there. By golly I thought, how in the world could he had known that? He has not treated me before this. Dia ada geluk emas macam dalam cerita nujum Pak Belalang tu ke apa?

With that I looked at nurse Kismah and gave her a smile - a lame smile with my eye brows raised a bit. Then I turned my face to the doctor and said, "After the radiotherapy, I don't see any noticeable swelling there anymore. Only this thing, I don't know what it is, but it's not painful. It was there already when I had the lump before. Is it this what you mean?" I even lifted my tudung a bit to show the spot on my neck where the swelling used to be. But he didn't take a look. Hampess, penat jer I tayang body ...

Nurse Kismah intervened by saying, "The patient has already been radiated twice, doctor. Here in her card it's stated that the first was done in December and the second in February". Without uttering a word he again flipped through some pages of my files and then continued, "Ok. I think I'll do an abdomen check on you now. Can you please go to the examination room". I got up from the chair, and handed my bag to E-Ya. At this point of time I also noticed that E-Ya was keeping very quite. I know she was in her pissed off mode.

I proceeded to the examination room together with nurse Kismah at my side. I turned to her and said, "That's the problem if we keep changing doctors, eh?" Nurse Kismah replied, "What to do Kak. Your doctor the Prof. is a very busy man. In between lectures, he's constantly needed to perform operations". Yaa... what to do?

You see, my suppossedly doctor is Prof Hatta who happens to also be the head of Department of O&G (colonoscopy unit) and a surgeon and also a lecturing doctor. To date out of the numerous appointments that I been to, I manage to see him twice only. When I was previously warded I only saw him once. Normally it was his junior specialists whom I got to see. So far no complaints. Well not until now, that is. Hee!

In the room, as I layed down on the examination bed, I could hear the doctor talking to E-Ya in the doctor's room. However, I couldn't figure out the details of the conversation. No worries , she'll sure to report to me later.

The doctor did the routine check up by pressing and knocking his fingers on my abdomen, and pelvis. He did not make any comments as he did the check-up and I was also not in the mood to ask. A few minutes later, he then said that he wanted to check my neck.

Previously the doctors would either asked me to sit up, bent my head down or remain lying and look up. But this doctor was different. With me still lying on the bed, he asked me to bend my head not the usual up, but down. And have I mention to you about the examination bed? Well take a look below:

See... It is not the ordinary kind of bed where it is all even around. It has a cutting at the bottom of the bed. When you do pap smear or speculum you would have to put your legs apart on either sides of the bed cutting I guess. But I'm not doing those tests. The upper side of the bed was a bit raised thus, leaving my calves dangling at the small cutting. Very uncomfortable ... very, the very ... very ...

So with me in the above position, it's only logical that the neck area will feel hard as rock to touch. Kenape? Tak percaya ker? Ok ... you all cuba try test buat tengok...

To make matters worst, the doctor was pressing my neck at the wrong place. I had the lump on the lefthand side, above the collarbone beside the thyroid gland but he instead went and pressed me at the side almost towards the back of my neck! Apa kah?

Initially I wanted to correct him but when he said, "Ni rasa keras lagi ni..." I only manage to say this, "Bukan kat situ memang keras ke doktor?".

"Ye ker?" he said and you guys know what he did after that? He went on to feel his own neck pulak! Mak... tolong aku mak! Again, in my books, he failed. If only I could get another doctor to check me at the time... hem... Dream on.

After the checking I was again in the doctor's room to hear what he has to say. It took him several seconds again to flick through my file before he finally said, "There's a mass still there..." Silence. He's writting something on the papers. A few seconds later I asked, "There? Where? Abdomen, pelvis or neck? Pelvis, I suppose?"

He replied, "Yes, but the other parts like spleen and kidneys are OK. Nevermind, you have another appointment with Onco next month right? Go to them and hear what they have to say". Apa kah??? You mean you're not sure yourself? But, I still kept my cool, even as E-Ya was already giving me kicks under the table.

Alright, if he means that the mass is in the pelvic area, where the uterus is. I agree. I somehow do feel that there is still something not right with my uterus. So I asked, "What can be done, doctor?" But maybe he did not hear my question, for he just kept quiet. Hee! (dah berapa kali 'hee' ni?)

Tapi tu lah kan. Lain yang ditanya lain pulak yang dijawab. He said, "You know you are stage 4 already? And being at that stage you know ..."

Hearing this I was 'truly deeply madly' fed up. I didn't let him finished for I replied, "Ya, cannot be cured only be monitored and help to minimised the illness or pain". Come onlah. You don't have to repeat things that I already know. Tell me something new, something practical, something applicable, something I could do and practice to "minimise the illness and pain" as you doctors often said.

To add time as I noticed it's only about 15 minutes since I entered the doctor's room, I just mentioned to him about my "twitches" or cramps and lymphedema problem. While he checks my prescribtion from the computer, I keep getting E-Ya's free kicks from down under the table.

"I can only give you vitamins. Calcium" was the awaited answer. I told him I'm already taking calcium-magnesium vitamins, plus others as well, he said "That's the only thing I can give you. Who gave you the vitamins?". Apakah? Sapa bagi? Beli sendirila... My lymphedema? What lymphedema? He didn't even commented on that. Didn't hear again, I suppose. Hee!

Lepas tu, I really felt that if I could fly, I would have shot right through the door. Really, I felt that I was just wasting my time. I thought I could get some good advice as to how to take care of myself better, how to manage my pains better, and what did I get? A doctor who acts ting tong ting tong... Hee!

It's not too much to say that I get better advices from other cancer survivors such as Sis Raden Galoh and Prof Hasanah. Just go to their blogs and you'll know what I mean. At least from them I know what to do when I'm in pain, I know what to eat to build up my immune system plus many many others. Kudos to the both of them. My deepest thanks for all the tips and advices that both of you share with me and others to emulate in battling cancer.

Nevertheless, I do still need to go the hospital for medical certificates. My still not so stabilised condition does not permit me to go back teaching so I need to go and see the doctor for MCs. FIY, I am in the process of applying for a 2 year leave starting from last January 2009. So far no fuss in getting the MCs, but from this doctor? Hee... no need to tell herelah... Karang mau terbalik meja nanti.

So with the time span of nearly 20 minutes we left the doctor's room. No usual words of thanks to the doctor this time. Sorry morry... I was dissapointed and a bit angry OK. I was in such a hurry to step out from his room, I didn't even push in back the chair and nearly forgot to take my bag along. It was E-Ya who said, "Acik, tak nak bag ke?".

Out from the vicinity of the O&G unit, I looked at E-Ya and E-Ya looked at me. Then both of us blurted out simultaneously. After that, I talked first. Then her. E-Ya's opinion of the doctor was no better. She said, "Acik didn't you get my signal when I keep kicking your leg just now? I wanted to tell you it's actually a waste of your time telling him your condition when he obviously does not know what to do or is not interested to hear".

"Well, I thought he could give something to control my twitches and lymphedema. I never expected him to just prescribed me with just calcium. I heard the doctor talking to you too. What did he say?" I asked.

"Alah what else... The same stage 4 thinglah. Whether I know what that means. Are you active. I mean it's not as if this is the first time we're hearing the news, right?".

"So what did you tell him?" I asked.

"I told him I know treatment is only palliative and that you are also not bed-ridden. You always take morning walks and do exercises. Ahh ... one more thing he asked, to which I think is the most funniest of all. He said like this.., can she accept that she has the cancer?", E-Ya said.

"Can I accept I have cancer? As if it's a choice? As if I can reject it if I can't accept the cancer? What did you reply?" I asked.

"The truthlah... I said a few days after knowing, you can already joke with us as if nothing bad had happened", was the answer.

"Laa... " I said, "You don't have to say it exactly like that. The doctor must think I'm nuts or something"

"Better than him who is so insensitive to his patient's conditon. Like just now when he said you have a mass there in the pelvis. Why didn't he sent you for ultra sound or suggest a CT scan or anything like that to confirm it? He did nothing right?", E-Ya argued.

"Let's just wait what the onco doctors will do then" I said ending our conversation on the subject as we headed back home.

So people, that was why I felt like punching the doctor in the face. Don't get me wrong. I am not seeking VIP treatment everytime I come for treatment. I don't expect them to perform miracles on me. But don't tell me things I already know. Be more attentive and respond intelligently to my questions. Show at least some care towards your patients' condition. Don't repeatedly remind me that I am terminal. No hope. To me it's the same as if you are telling me to just go back home and recite the surah "Yaseen". At the same time I am not in denial. I know my condition, options and chances... and last but not least - Don't give me the "LOOK". I could see that right through that doctor's face. Dhushh!

P/s :
1. It seem that it's the season to be sick. I'm down with flu, have been for a week now. The body aches all over. But otherwise I'm OK.

2. I got news that one of my colleague in school had also been detected with cancer. Breast cancer. Will write about this later. Bubye!