Pulangnya Ke Rahmatullah...

My beloved Acik, Hasnah Kamaruddin telah pulang ke rahmatullah tepat jam 4.45 pagi, pada 18hb September 2009 bersamaan dgn 28 Ramadhan 1430. I was with arwah Acik till her last breath. Arwah pergi dengan tenang sekali. Alhamdulillah, Allah SWT telah makbulkan doa saya supaya permudahkan jalan untuk Acik.

Semuanya seperti mimpi, rasanya sampai sekarang masih terasa Acik berada di sisi saya seperti yang biasa. Masih terbau lotion yang saya selalu sapukan pada Acik.

Raya tahun ni sudah tiada makna untuk kami sekeluarga. Setiap tahun, Acik orang yg paling busy for raya's preparation. Acik akan busy buat kuih, kemaskan rumah dan siapkan duit raya utk semua anak2 saudaranya. Sekarang, Acik sudah tinggalkan kami semua.

May Acik rests in peace there. I will always love you, Acik! I'm very lucky to get the chance to learn lots of things from you. Acik, you have a special place in my heart, and I'll never forget you.

Semoga Acik ku tersayang di tempatkan di kalangan orang2 beriman. Amin.

Al-Fatihah....

---> E-ya <---

'Tis the season?

I don't know about you all but I feel these past few weeks there is nothing else that I hear, but cancer.... Cancer, cancer, cancer ...Arghhh!

It's either A's sister is down with cancer, B's brother in law will have surgery in two weeks time to remove cancer, C will start his chemo next week, D just died bla bla bla. It seems this kinda news about cancer is endless. Everyday there'll be more news about it that makes me suffocate almost up to my nose with such news. I simply want to puke, well all that and plus my not so good condition body of course.

This past few weeks my body seems to rebel against me. It's giving me undescribable aches and pains. Sometimes pain killers and masagging works, but when they don't that's when the tears start to fall.

Nontheless when I went to see the neurosurgeons on the 7th of July they were happy to see me doing ok and one of them even said that I seem to have gained some weight. Haha.. little did he knew that I've played a trick on him like I always do to look more weighty. You see that day I went in wearing XL shirt and pants. That's why I looked so fluffed up. My actual size is just M.

It was there in the surgey clinic that I noticed several familiar faces. The were familiar to me because they were cancer patients whom I've seen when I wnt for radiotherapy treatment. They're in the surgey clinic meaning that they've also had surgery just like me and that could only mean one thing, that their cancer have also gotten worse also just like me. One or two were on wheel chair while others walk slowly. I guess they're fatigue or their body are so weak because of the illness. That's what I'm feeling right now.

Then there was my appoinment with the oncologist. If before I saw many cancer patients up and beat, but this time I saw many of them are lethargic. Many were on wheelchairs.

Because of my not so good condition I had to cancel my appoinments with the opthalmologist and radiologist respectively. With the opthalmologist, I requested a new apooinment date and was given the nearest possible date - Dec 2009 ! But luckily when I cancelled my simulation date for the brain scan on the 7th July I was given a new date two days later 9th July.

The simulation eventho' it went well, was pretty agonizing for me. You see I had to lie on my back and that is something that I cannot do of late. To sleep I have to lie on my sides with pillows raised thus to have the simulation in that position is very painful for me. I was groaning thro'out the simulation and the radiographer noticed that. They're very kind to make the simulation as fast as they could to lessen my pains.

With that my 5 sessions of whole brain radiation started on tha 20th July. I managed to make the first two but did come for my third trip. Why? Again I was not feeling well and my body aches all over. For the first two trips, the side effect sets in very fast. The moment I was in the car to go home, I vomited.

Reading blogs doesn't help either. Here and there I noticed that several cancer survivors are battling with the spreading of the desease to other parts of their body. Some will undergo surgery while others will be sent for chemo. Sighh...

So with all the bove being said, I can't help myself from thinking, "Is this the season for cancer cells to be jolly?" Hemm...

p/s: I'm publishing this entry without it being edited first by E-Ya. I hope I did Ok. Most importantly I hope you all can read it despite some mistakes here and there - bubye r2d2

Hanging On ...

My salam to all.

It's been 3 weeks since my surgery and alhamdullillah, I'm still blessed by God the alMighty with time to spend with my loved ones. No doubt after the surgery I was feeling very tired. Tired of the highest order. No kidding. I could hardly keep my eyes open. I'd dozed off most of the day. I was just like a new born baby, waking up a few minutes then find myself dozing off again. This went on for more than a week, before I decided to try and do something about it. But with my legs still wobly, what can I do? I cannot go out for morning walk like I used to do before. Exercise with other elders at the playground is still a no no and swimming? Huh? I gotta be joking...I reckoned I'd fall asleep the moment my head touch water... Ohh how I miss all the activities that I used to do before ... Uwaaa....! Nonetheless despite all that, the doctors said that my recovery was good, considering that the operation was a major one for me.

On the day of surgery E-ya told the surgeon that I have a history of waking up fast from the effects of aneasthethia so much so that the surgeon said that he will also administer me with extra sleeping pills so that I will not wake up quick enough to feel the pain from the cut on my head. But what happened instead? The surgery was over at around 2 am and I woke up early the next morning even with the extra sleeping pills.By noon I was already entertaining visitors in the ward. In fact I recalled receiving a lot of visitors that day and I was very excited seeing familiar faces of relatives and friends. But I think my visitors were more shock to see me. I had my head shaved at the back and the place where the incision was made was covered with plaster. When the plaster was removed, they can see all 40 big staples arranged in a U shape on the right hand side of my head, next to the ear. Me all skin and bones and now with U shape metal staples up on the head. It must have really been a sight.

I was only a day in the ICU before being transferred to the ordinary ward.In this normal ward I spent 5 days before I was discharged. I was a bit surprised as I thought I'd been in the hospital at least 10 days or more. But I think after the doctors saw me on two occassions already busy talking on the hand phone, me again wheeling myself on the wheel chair down the hallway or to other patient's bed and one morning found me hungrily devouring roti canai, well that must have been the day that they decided to say, "Get this lady outta here! Pronto!" Hahaha...

But before I was discharged I was given another CT scan and an appointment with the opthalmologist to check my eye. As I've mentioned before, after the surgey I'm having trouble with my eye sight. No it's not that I cannot focus or see things, it's just that I find my vision scope has narrowed a bit. I have trouble to see objects at the sides. I can see fine if the objects are in front but not at the sides. The first day I was at home, E-Ya was already shouting, "Acik! look out for the ...! But then too late...I already banged my head against the door as I couln't see it. Luckily nothing serious happened because of that. Even as I was typing this entry, I keep pressing the capslock key as I couldn't see it and I thoughtI was pressing the A or S key. Imagine all the mistakes I've made. Luckily dear E-Ya is around to do editing for me. Bless the girl. E-Ya told me when I was in the ICU , when I couldn't talk because there were tubes down my throat, I wrote notes to her but I mixed up the alphabets until she herslf does not know what I was trying to say. I mixed up the 's' 'b' 'd' 'a' and many others. Sometimes it's like as if I'm dyslexic. Other times I just mis spelt the words. But that was then. Now I don't have that problem anymore. Alhamdullillah. Another problem is that I have difficulty with adjusting distance of objects from me. Sometimes I think the object is there and try to grab it but then it's actually a little further or nearer from me . That's why earlier I said I'm experiencing optical illusions. I hope with time my vision canbe restored back to normal. Insya Allah. Because of this problem with my eye sight one funny thing happened when I was in the ICU. when I woke up the first question I asked my sister who waited on me was, "Sis are my eyes now squinted?" When she replied, "No", Boy that was a big relief!

And then the day came when I had to remove the staples on my head. I had them removed on Monday, a week after surgery. At first I was so damn afraid just thinking about it. Actually while in the hospital I did not get the oppurtunity to see the condition of my head. When I asked E-Ya or my sisters how did my head look like, they all just say, "Oh its fine, nothing to worry...". Yeah right... But when I got home and got posession of my handphone, the first thing I did was took photo of my head and I gotta tell you I myself was appalled and afraid to see that it looked like that. I'd never imagine that it would even be like that... I have the photos for my own personal momentos, but for you all I think its enough if I say that it looked like what Mawi always says, "World!". It's too gory to show it here and for those who have photo sensitive syndrome or photo sensitive epilepsy, I don't want to be the person responsible for your fainting, or seizures. Hahaha... Serious folks. My own brother doesn't even dare to look at it longer than just a few seconds. My sister was afraid to clean the wound eventho its healingwell. And who is the person most undisturbed by all these? Who else but E-Ya. At first I had my cousin Rozaida, who is the doctor to clean it for me. E-Ya watched and after that the responsibility was hers.

That was also the reason why I was afraid when the day came to remove the staples. I told E-Ya if the pain of removing the staples is excruciating, don't be surprised if I yell and grab the nurses by the neck. I reminded her to just be ready to restrain me from doing that. But alhamdullilah, even without anaethesia I did not feel pain when the nurse removed the staples. E-Ya was present when the staples was removed and she described to me how the nurses did it. She said the nurses used an apparatus to grab the staples and then yanked it out from the head. Ouch! But as I said no pain. Even if there was, it was just like ant bites only. The next day I was already shampooing my hair. Now the wound is completely dry and there is no pain at all. I do not also have any headaches. I really, really thank God the alMighty for making all these easy and painless for me.

Then last Monday, I went to see the oncologist. A new one again this time, but at least she knew my medical history. She said that I will be sent for brain radiotherapy and the simulation will be on 7th of July at 3.30 pm. She said The radiotherapy is to ensure there will be no recurrence, that it gets all the small tumors (if any) that cannot be captured by CT scan. Just thinking about it scares me, but I guess these doctors knows what'sbest for me, so I obliged. The only thing asked was what will the side effects be. She mentioned things like nausea, headaches and memory loss. Hem... Not too bad I guess... Whoa..., wait a second... MEMORY LOSS?? Will I not be able to recall events that had happened in my life or will I not remember my family, friends or even my own self? What about all my ex boyfriends? Jeng, jeng, jeng.... Oh well, adios guys ...

However looking thru the internet I found out that this memory loss is only temporary. and other side effects will also also include fatigue and hair loss. The doctor also said that I'll be zapped only 5 times and that there will be medications prescribed to me to control the side effects, so Insya Allah I'll be alright. But just in case, do pray for me too ya... Pray that I'll be able to tolerate all this and that my body will be able to withstand the procedure. As I am already fatigue right now and I don't know how much more fatigue I'll be.

That 7th of July will also be my appointment date with the Neuro surgeons. But it will be in the morning. So I guess I'll be pretty busy next week. Previously I had appointments with only two units - gynae onco and onco. But after the surgery I have two more attachments with the opthalmologist and neuro surgeon. I guess now HUKM is like my second family already.

OK I guess I'd better stop here before I fall asleep in front of this PC. I'll drop by again next time if I have the time and energy. Bubye!

Theories and more theories ...

Salam to all. Alhamdullillah after giving my beloved family and friends a scare last sunday, I'm back here today updating my condition to all. Yes I did underwent a brain surgery last Sunday. I was told that I had a 4cm x 4cm tumor removed and blood clots cleared from my occipittal lobes.. in an operation that took about 5 hrs to complete.. This was totally unexpected. I never saw it coming at all, as there were no symptoms or signs at all. I only knew that I collapsed in my room that Sunday morning and was minutes later wheeled in an ambulance to the emergency unit of HUKM. And within several hrs after that I was already under the surgeons' knife. Everything was done in a jiffy. My family members hardly had any time to discuss the situation. They have to make the decision as to allow the operation to be done or not there and then itself. The gravity of the situation was such that if I do not go for surgery, I'd remain in the unconcious condition that I went in. If I opt for surgery, I might risk not waking up, meaning I'd be in comma or if I do, I'd be in a vegetative situation. How that for a choice, eh?

The operation was a major one but I was one of the lucky ones that managed to survive it. I did not only survived it but was told by the doctors that I was out of life threathening situation and that in due time, I will be able to carryout my life somewhat 'near normal'.... Alhamdullillah. My gratutitude to Allah SWT and all well wishers who had prayed hard for me. Of course I have side effects of the operation. One of it involves my vision. It's still something not right. I seem to be experiencing some optical illussions and it's giving me headaches at times. Other than that I'm OK. I'm able to walk and fend for myself eventhough I need some assisstance to that. Well, can't complain too much. At least God is still giving me time to spend with my family. And oh Ya. I also have 40 'staples' up on my head now, courtesy of the operation. I have one thing good to say about all this though. I've always wanted to have Halle Berry's hairstyle as in the Catwoman, and because of this operation, now I do! Some even say I looked younger in my new Halle Berry hairstyle. Hahahahaha.. But then my bousterous nephews just say that I looked like that character in the telemovie "Sutun", Drat!

FIY,i will also use all the time I have now to recuperate and try to regain most of my strength and energy back. I want to be able to carryout most of the things tht I used to do as quickly as possible. I do not want to be a burden to anyone.

Regarding my cancer I did get some other new info about it but I do not want to go into details about it. This will also be the reason why you all will not see me updating frequently this humble blog of mine. Only If I had the time and urge to do so, I'll do it if not just rely on the saying that says "no news is good news". Ok bubbye for now and thank you again for kind support and prayers. Only God the alMighty can repay for whatever that you have done for me. Thank you.

Signing off, r2d2.

Plz Pray For My Beloved Aunt

Salam All,

I'm E-Ya here. I'm writing to let all know that my beloved aunt is now fighting for her life in HUKM. On Sunday (June, 7th) at around 10am, I found my aunt lying on her bed and I was so surprised to see her condition. She can't move her body, and can't talk at all. She tried to say something to me, but I can't understand her. My first thought was she might had stroke.

I became panicked when she couldn't respond to me and started to close her eyes. The only thing I could remember was to get an ambulance.

My aunt was admitted immediately to the Emergency Unit, and since it was sunday, I had to wait for two hours and thirty minutes until an Oncologist came and examine my aunt. The Oncologist didn't take a long time to find the cause. He straight away explained that it was not stroke, but it's the BRAIN.

Right after that, my aunt was sent for a brain scan. At around 5.15pm, a NeuroSergeon came to see my aunt and evaluated the result of the scan. As what they expected, they found a tumor (size approximately 4 by 4) and I was also told that they can see blood in the brain. Nothing else I asked to them except what can they do for my aunt.

They wanted to do the brain surgery in order to remove the tumor and the blood. The surgery is to make my aunt wake up again. They explained to me and other family members about the risks. One of the surgeon showed to me there's a blood vessel which is very near to the tumor. I can see it clearly from the image on the computer. If the blood vessel is injured during the surgery, my aunt will not wake up anymore.

It was a very tough decision to be made. Maybe the toughest in my life. I couldn't think of anything at that time, however my heart strongly says to proceed with the surgery.

My mom signed the consent letter, and at 9pm my aunt was sent to the OT. The surgery will take 5 hours.

At 2.30 am, the surgeons went out from the OT and told me that the surgery was a success. It went well, and my aunt was all the time stable during the surgery. Alhamdulillah! Syukur tak terhingga......

My aunt is now in the ICU, and we shall wait for her to wake up. Plz pray that she will be able to recover. Plz pray that she will be able to talk to me everyday like it used to be. Plz pray that she could take care of my grandparents like she always do..........

From the bottom of my heart, I know she's strong. She promised to me that she will fight to matter what!

To all my family members, my aunt's friends, Mr. Ice T and friends, thank you so much for your support and prayers. Hanya Allah SWT yg membalas budi baik kalian.

Celebrate - Remember - Fight Back

Salam to all.

Alhamdullillah my plan to take part in the Relay 4 Life 2009 materialised eventho' I had slight cramps and back pains that day. E-Ya was initially against me going but I said nevermind lets just give it a try. After all this is my first experience joining such event and I want to see what's it all about. So the four of us, - 2 cousins, E-Ya and me set off after Asar, with my cousin Oji doing the driving. When we reached the stadium, parking was not a problem. We managed to get a parking space that's just about 50 meters from the entrance.

Once in the stadium we did not immediately seated ourselves but went on to tour the stadium grounds to see what's available at the many booths set up by various groups and organizations. Then we took a short rest and after that my cousin Oji was already inspecting the food stalls while my other cousin, Intan was busy meeting up with her friends from one of the support group that she joins. Overall I would say the turn out was not as many as I expected, maybe because it was a 2 day event and I was a bit early reaching there. Nevertheless the ground of the stadium was already filled with tents to be used by survivors and and non-survivors who wish to stay the night at the stadium.

At about 6 pm the emcee announced that the Survivor's Lap was about to start and all us survivors were asked to be on the track to start the walk.

I could also see many banners and placards representing either cancer support groups or various types of cancer, but I do not see any banner or placards with endometrial cancer on it, and since I'm not a member of any support group hemm... where should I stand in then? Ah lantaklah I said to myself, join aje mana-mana... tapi punyalah tak perasan rupa-rupanya group yang I join tu the leader was carrying the placard that reads "PROSTATE CANCER!" Hua hua hua. But why la yg bawak placard tu pompuan? No wonder I was confused...

The purpose of the walk is a testimony to signify to the public that there are many people that can survive cancer. The situation was not like 10 or 15 years ago whereby whenever you hear a person down with cancer its practically a 'no hope' situation for him or her. Nowadays cancer patients have several options of treatment that they can go for and it is only them that can tell which is best for themselves.

While we survivors were doing the lap around the track, non survivors who were standing at the sides of the field were encouraged to stick on to us a small encouragment sticker with the word 'Champion' printed on it. Well I had my fair share of stickers given by persons I don't even know who, and to them, my greatest thanks. I really hope that I stand up to the meaning of that word and one day be a champion in battling my cancer. Ameen.

Anyway enjoy the following photos that E-Ya and me took on that day:

Off we go ...survivors on the march

For once, no worried faces - only laughs and smiles ...

Laa ... ni minah kurus mana pulak yg terlepas tunjuk 'peace' ni? Dia silap event ni... This is Relay4Life kak oii .... bukannya 'Peace no War' punya campaign, hehehe...



There was also the participation of people who have helped make this event a success. They comprises mainly of volunteers and donors from institute of higher learning and corporate sectors.

This particular group of guys purposely shaved their hair to show support to us survivors. Salute you guys!

The people from KPJ health group

The two pics above... Survivors? Dunno ...,coz I did not hear the emcee's description of them. But they sure add color to the walk.

Tengah 'Lost in space...' mencari the endometrial Ca group yang rupa-rupanye mmng tak de ...Ishhh!

The highlight of the Relay 4 Life event was the Luminaria ceremony. It is the most inspirational moment of the relay. After sunset, families, friends and survivors will light up candles in paper bags bearing the names of those who had fought cancer. Below are examples of some of the luminarias that I managed to snap before my camera's battery went kaput.

No doubt that day I met a lot of survivors. Some have survived cancer more than 6 or seven years, but there are also some that are new, like me. In my eyes, they are all champions. They have shown that with high spirits and determination, cancer can be conquered.

Perhaps the greatest champion of them all on that day is this 11 year old girl, Nurul Islah Mohd. Shah who hails from Seremban. Much tears dropped that night when she read her journey fighting cancer.

Islah was diagnosed with brain cancer and after undergoing surgery and treatment she is free from it. But with a very heavy price to pay. She now moves around with a walker as a tumour in her central nervous system affects her body’s balance and motor functions. The cancer treatment also leaves her facial expression unchanged. Despite all that, Nurul Islah is optimistic about getting well soon. I hope she does too. Ameen.

Nurul Islah shown here with her sister Hannan

Since the Relay 4 Life is a 2 day event, participants of the event are encouraged not to sleep that night to signify how cancer never "sleeps". But then... even if cancer never sleeps, I do. Cancer patient needs ample rest to build up strength and immune system to fight cancer cells, remember? So off we went back home at about 10 pm... tapi sebelum tu ... kita posing dulu ....!

Isk isk isk ... anak anak sapa laa ni...

and last but not least - Pesanan dari penaja ...

Ingat tu Cik Kiah ...!

Whazzup ...

Salam. Nasib baik temujanji dengan onkologist pada hari Selasa lepas lebih baik dr temujanji sebelumnya. Biarlah pun doktor yang aku jumpa ni adalah yang ke-5 aku jumpa di klinik onkologi, tapi at least dia tahu medical history aku dan prihatin atas apa yang aku katakan padanya. Dia juga menjawab apa jua soalan yang aku tanyakan pada dia dengan baik. Itupun yg aku harapkan iaitu doktor yg merawat prihatin terhadap permasalahan pesakit macam aku. Tak lebih dari itupun.

Teringat pula cerita rakan sekerja aku di sekolah yg baru saja didiagnose positif dengan breast cancer. Kisahnya kawan aku ni telahpun sedar ada ketulan pada right breast dia beberapa bulan lalu. Dia memang ada pergi ke hospital tp sedia maklumlah di hospital kerajaan ni segala-galanya kena ikut turn. Jadi sementara menunggu appointment dia di rawat, kawan aku ni telah mencuba perawatan alternatif di kampungnya di Kelantan dan at the same time dia telah pergi buat mamogram di private klinik. Bila tiba masa appointment di hospital, dia tunjukkan imej mamogram itu, dan doktor terus kata dia kanser tp at the same time doktor kata pulak kena tunggu keputusan biopsy. Tunggu nak buat dan dapatkan keputusan biopsypun memakan masa dan kawan aku ni ntah manalah silapnya kena buat biopsy sampai tiga kali baru doktor dapat sampel yg benar-benar mengesahkan dia kanser.

Mungkin sebab keliru atau tak puas hati, kawan aku ada menyatakan pada doktor yg merawat bahawa dia bercadang nak pergi ke hospital lain utk dapatkan second opinion samada betul ke dia kanser atau ketumbuhan biasa aje. Yelah memandangkan biopsypun dia kena buat sampai tiga kali, tambah pulak rasanya dia berhak utk berbuat demikian tp tak pasal pasal telah dimarah oleh doktor dgn menyatakan, "Kalau awak nak pergi hospital lain boleh pergi tp jangan datang lagi ke sini utk rawatan" Apakah???

So dah kena marah macam gitu kawan akutu tak jadilah pergi hospital lain tp terus saja dapatkan rawatan di situ. Makan dua tiga minggu menuggu jugalah baru dapat keputusan bahawa doktor akan buat mastectomy pada right breast dia. Bila dibedah, doktor mengesahkan kanser dia dahpun tahap 3. Alhamdullillah selepas operation dia sihat dan sedang berehat di rumah sekarang ni. Tiga minggu lg dia akan ada appointment dgn doktor masa tu dia akan tahu samada dia perlu buat chemo atau tidak.

Kebetulan kawan aku ini adalah guru yg ditugaskan utk ambil alih jawatan aku sebagai guru data disekolah. Apalah nasib, guru data asal (aku) kena kanser dan guru data gantian (kawan aku tu) pun kena kanser jugak. Jangan ada yg kata jawatan itu jinx sudah. Nanti tak de sapa pulak yg sanggup nak ambil alih. Kuang kuang kuang....

Berbalik pada cerita aku pula, doktor yang merawat hari tu menetapkan aku akan dihantar untuk X-Ray bagi mengenalpasti apa yang membuat aku kerap cramp dan sakit di bahagian bawah ribcage kiri tu. Keputusan dari X-Ray itulah nanti akan menentukan apakah rawatan susulan yang akan aku jalani. Aku sebutkan jg pasal small lump dekat collarbone dan dia confirmedkan yg ketulan bersaiz 2 cm x 1 cm itu bermasalah. No radiation treatment just yet, memandangkan yg aku baru sahaja selesai diradiasi di kawasan berhampiran situ pertengahan February lalu.

Hari itu juga aku ambil kesempatan beritahu pada doktor tu yang aku akan cuba rawatan alternatif utk manage cramps dan sakit yg sedang aku alami. Bila aku terangkan padanya yg aku ingin mencuba acupuncture terkejut jugak bila dia kata, "Ok, acupuncture memang bagus untuk reliefkan pain. You can go for it". Fuhh! What a relief, ingatkan aku dah nak kena lecture dah. Maklumlah bukan semua doktor setuju dgn rawatan-rawatan alternatif ni. Walaupun kita sebagai tuan punya badan sebenarnya ada hak utk cuba apa saja yg difikirkan sesuai, tp for me to be on the safe side I thought I'd just mentioned this to him. Alhamdullilah he has no objection towards it. The only thing that he advised me was to get the treatment from a reliable person and place. Insya Allah, tempat yang aku akan pergi ni nanti meets the criteria.

Jd semalam lepas solat Zohor aku dan E-Ya telahpun pergi ke acupuncture center yg terletak di Menara KH (Menara Promet) di Jln Sultan Ismail. Ingatkan tak ramai org, tp rupanya penuh jugak tempat tu. Bukan org tempatan saja tp org luar negarapun rupanya ada datang mendapatkan rawatan di situ.

Setelah mendengar masalah aku, master acupuncturist tu menyatakan yg aku akan dicucuk jarum di kepala dan abdomen selama 30 minit. Mula-mula takut juga kalau-kalau jarum tu menyakitkan tp setelah aku lihat budak sekecil dua tahun kena cucukpun relax je so akupun lega. Yelah kalau budak sekecil itu boleh tahan takkanlah aku yg dah tua ni nak terpekik terlolong kalaupun ditakdirkan treatment tu sakit nanti. Buat malu kaum keluarga je.

Bila tiba giliran, aku disuruh masuk sebuah bilik dan baring atas katil rawatan. Lepas tu tak sampai satu minitpun dan langsung tak rasa apa-apa dah selesai tercucuk empat jarum di kepala dan empat jarum di abdomen. Tapi bila disalirkan sedikit arus elektrik menerusi jarum-jarum tersebut adalah rasa berdenyut macam kena gigit semut api sikit. Syukur alhamdullillah walaupun baru sekali treatment aku dapat rasakan hari ni sakit dan twitces aku berkurangan. Cuma badan letih aje sikit. Malam tadipun tak payah nak bergolek, berpusing keliling katil tiga empat kali utk cari kedudukan selesa utk tidur. Aku akan pergi lagi ke sana utk rawatan susulan lima hari lagi.

Master itu juga ingatkan aku sebagai pesakit kanser cuba sedaya upaya makan sayur dan buah-buahan yg organik tapi kalau tak boleh dapatkan yg organik yg biasapun boleh tp kenalah direndam dengan air garam selama 3 jam terlebih dahulu sebelum di makan. Sikit punya lama daa...

Sebenarnya ini bukanlah kali pertama aku mendapatkan perawatan alternatifpun. Sebelum ni aku dahpun mencuba reflexlogy dan perawatan secara spiritual. Semuanya aku cuba as I feel I have got nothing to lose. I have also since being diagnosed with cancer last October made changes to my diet. I am now eating more vegies (still trying actually, hehehe) and munching a lot fruits (this one, no problem ... buah 'geduak' je belum try lagi sebab tak jumpa, hua hua hua...). Minum juicepun boleh tahan. Yang biasa aku minum adalah jus epal hijau campur celery tp lama-lama jemu jugak asyik minum benda yg sama je so sekarang dipelbagaikan dengan buah dan sayur-sayuran yg lain. Oh ye, teh hijaupun aku minum juga - aku minum 'green tea from the high mountains of China' yg menurut Aunty penjualnya, "Aiya Miss, ini tea bagus punya lo... Memang ada manyak olang jual green tea tp ini tea haa... daun dia good quality punya maa. Organic dan pollution free". Kata aku pulak, "Iyelah labu...." Akibatnya, terbang RM 50 aku termakan pujukan dek bagusnya strategi marketing Aunty tu pada aku. Actually teh tu aku beli dalam Carrefour Wangsa Maju je pun, alah kat tempat yg jual herbal tea yg banyak-banyak tu. Tempat yang macam-macam teh ada tu le...

Untuk memberi tenaga pulak, biasanya for breakfast aku minum Ensure atau Prosure. Both fortified drinks mengandungi Omega-3, tp Prosure tu khusus utk cancer patient yg ingin membina muscle and nak gain weight. Minuman itu biasanya aku campurkan dengan oat atau nestum. Makan roti pulak seboleh-bolehnya wholegrain tapi kalau dah tak ada, roti putihpun aku hentam jugak. Tapi tulah kan.... I'm a bad bad bad patient. Roti canai, lontong, karipap dan nasi lemakpun aku hentam jugak. Banyak godaan dari orang sekeliling .... Habih cam mano???

Apa lagi ye? Oh ya akupun minum Xango jugak. Tapi masalahnya aku ni cepat bosan kalau dok makan atau minum benda yang sama je. So aku selang-selikan. Kalau bulan ni minum Xango, bulan depan minum jus buah delima pulak. Pokoknya kedua-dua mengandungi anti-oxidants. Vitamins pun aku makan jugak. Aku makan vitamin Herbalife, dalam lima jenis gitu.

Selain ubah pemakanan, aku jugak ubah sikit gaya hidup. Kalau dulu masa sekolah aku kuat bersukan, sampai sempat jugaklah aku wakilkan sekolah untuk acara larian, long jump dan badminton (Psst ... sekarang anda semua faham kenapa saya sedia slim?). Tp sejak dah melangkah dewasa, badan sihat dan bekerja, exercise langsung tak masuk book. Pernah sekali dulu aku mencuba squash tp setelah jatuh tergolek dalam court dan digelakan macam nak rak oleh E-Ya, terus aku gantung raket squash. Kalau tidak, bukan si Ncole David tu Juara Dunia sekarang ni tau. AKu ....

Tapi sekarang bila dah sakit dah mula exercise balik. Pelik kan? Mulanya konon nak cuba-cuba cyling, sampai sikit punya bersemangat pegi beli basikal baru, tapi malangnya tak boleh diteruskan. Sakit pinggang ...

So exercise for me now is walking. If possible I will try to go for morning walk at least 3 times a week. Kalau tak pergi for morning walk, you will see me doing what I believe is called "taichiqong" with other elders near the playground at my house. Exercise ni diketuai oleh seorg lelaki tua berbangsa Cina and sesiapapun boleh join. Tak de berdiri ikut baris baris de. Scattered je ikut suka masing masing. Macam macam gaya dan keadaan masing masing buat "taichiqong" ni. Aku pulak bila buat exercise ni suka tutup mata, konon nak menghayati supaya concentration dan breathing baik. Satu hari tu punyalah tutup mata punya hal sampaikan org lain dah tukar step aku masih step yg itu itu jugak jugak. Buka mata punya time padanlah aku tngok semua mata pandang pelik kat aku. Hampeh betul!

Selain itu aku dan E-Ya mula berjinak jinak berenang. Kami gunakan swimming pool kat sebuah condo ni untuk kami practice berenang. Actually kawan aunty aku ada tinggal di condo tu so kami gunakan nama dia utk tumpang mandi di swimming pool di situ. Diapun dah berikan green light. Swimming pool tu best, tak dalam sangat dan yg penting tak de org, so kamipun buatlah mcm swimming pool sendiri... Aku taklah pandai berenang tp kalau setakat nak bergerak dalam air tu dari kiri ke kanan atas ke bawahtu, menyelam atau buat free style bodoh-bodohtu luluslah. Lagipun masa kecik dulu aku mmg hantu mandi sungai. Sg Gombak tu dulu swimming pool aku. Selalu kena rotan sbb tak nak balik rumah...

Kata org berenang ni bagus kerana ia mengandungi all three - breathing, stretching and cardio exercises yg bagus utk badan. Lymphedema akupun dah hilang sejak aku berjinak-jinak dengan berenang ni. Pernafasanpun clear lepas berenang. Badan kalau sakit belakang, terjun ajelah dalam swimming pool, buatlah kuak apapun atau tak jalan atau aerobic sikit sikit dalam air akan hilanglah sakitnya. Betul aku tak tipu. Atas sebab ini, insya Allah bulan Jun nanti aku, E-Ya, anak saudara aku siLinda dan cousin aku akan masuk kelas utk belajar berenang dgn cara yg betul. Kami akan belajar di International Islamic School dekat dgn UIA.

See..., I told you the pool kat condo tu empty. Masa ni aku tak berenang sbb demam selsema tp E-Ya tu haa..., eksyen je lebih mcm pakar berenang konon, walhal langkahnya semua sumbang

Satu lagi aktiviti yg aku suka buat sekarang ialah aktiviti "mengumbirakan hati". Salah satu caranya ialah dgn membaking Membaking??? Apakah?? Lantak kau lah bahasa aku mmg hancuss.. Asalkan aku gumbira... Sebenarnya dari dulu lg aku suka masak kek, pie dan seangkatan dgnnya, tp makannya aku tak suka. Jd macam sekarang memandangkan dah duduk rumah tak buat apa-apa, jd aktiviti memasaktu tambah rancaklah pulak. Kek yg banyak dimasak tu biasanya aku akan suruh E-Ya berikan pada anak-anak murid yg dituitionkanya. Kata E-Ya seronok anak muridnya selalu dapat hadiah kek dr cikgu. Hampeh, mesti E-Ya mengaku dia yg masak punya ...

Inilah antara kek yg aku masak. Tp kalau yg macam ni aku tak bagi banyak pada students E-Ya kerana walaupun budak-budak mmng suka tp rasanya tak sihat kalau dimakan banyak-banyak.

Oh ya sebelum aku terlupa, insya Allah aku akan menyertai acara "Relay For Life" yg akan diadakan pada hujung minggu ini di Stadium Bkt Jalil. Cousin akulah punya kerja, dia dah daftarkan nama aku dan nama dia. So harap-harap haritu badan aku cukup kuat dan sihat utk menyertainya. Actually aku lebih berminat utk menyertai "Jacob's Walk of Life" yang akan diadakan pada bulan Jun di Taman Metropolitan Kepong tu. Tp last minute punya plans, aku akan ke PD pd hari berkenaan so tinggal angan-angan je lah. Next year maybe, insya Allah. Alah masuk benda-benda mcm gini bukan apapun, saja-saja je. Kan aku nak "gumbirakan" hati aku?

Oklah stop sini dulu sbb nak pergi siapkan kek yg aku nak hantarkan ke sekolah esok, 29 Mei sempena sambutan Hari Guru peringkat sekolah aku. Ingat ye kawan-kawan. Kita "Guru pembina negara bangsa". Pembina... bukan pembinasa tau.... Kesian aku tengok kawan-kawan aku penat kerana kuat bekerja, sedangkan aku ni penat jugak, penat sakit sbb duduk je di rumah... Cobaannn! Hehehe jangan marah ye kawan-kawan....! Sila-silakanlah makan kek saya ye...

Here's to you Doc!

Salam to all. Nak melepaskan geram sikit kali ni...

My last visit to the doctor at O&G was a disapointment. Sorry to say lah... but that's what I felt. This was also the reason why I was not in mood for anything because the whole of last 2 weeks I felt like punching the doctor in the face aje.

Here's to you Doc! Dhushh! Dhushh!

Grrr!!!

Astaghafirullah! Alas, I'm only human. I err and have many flaws. Hee ... dah lama tak geram macam ni tau ...

Ok. OK... This was what happened. As usual we, (meaning E-Ya and me lah sapa lagi...) made our way to the O & G (Colonoscopy) unit a few minutes before the stipulated time. My number was 5. As usual waiting period was about 1 hour. OK, itu semua no hal. When I was called in, I saw a not familiar face sitting at the doctor's table. " Doktor lain lagi ni ..." I mumbled under my breath. Again tak kisahlah tu semua. So long as each and every doctor yg attend my case knows about my condition and medical history, I have no problem with that. Nevertheless, I did take note that he was the 4th doctor attending me and this is only at the O&G unit we're talking about. As I've said I do not mind all this as I understand HUKM being a learning university, doctors' schedule are tight so they come and go.

Back to that doctor story. I have not met him before and have never seen him at this clinic before either. Ntah dari mana datangpun ntah lah. Dari negera GoHead GoStan kot... Hee ...!

When we entered, I saw he was flicking through the pages in my file. We gave our salam and seated ourselves. As usual, nurse Kismah was standing beside the doctor's table with my appointment card.

"When did you have your operation?", he suddenly said. Huh? Bila pulak aku kena operate ni? I said in my heart. At the same time I was also a bit pissed off. Obviously the doctor did not read my case carefully. He was not reading my latest report. In my books, he already failed ...

Nevertheless, I said, "I didn't have an operation. I was just radiated" was the reply, short.

"Oh ..." he said, flicking a few pages. Then he continued, "I see here that your neck is a problem"

Me again in my heart was, "Huh? My neck? A problem?" You gotta be joking. I just had it radiated two months prior and you said it's still a problem? This same neck that you have not seen or touched eversince I entered a few minutes ago? I know I still have a pea size lump at the collarbone vein, but it cannot be seen but touched to know that it's there. By golly I thought, how in the world could he had known that? He has not treated me before this. Dia ada geluk emas macam dalam cerita nujum Pak Belalang tu ke apa?

With that I looked at nurse Kismah and gave her a smile - a lame smile with my eye brows raised a bit. Then I turned my face to the doctor and said, "After the radiotherapy, I don't see any noticeable swelling there anymore. Only this thing, I don't know what it is, but it's not painful. It was there already when I had the lump before. Is it this what you mean?" I even lifted my tudung a bit to show the spot on my neck where the swelling used to be. But he didn't take a look. Hampess, penat jer I tayang body ...

Nurse Kismah intervened by saying, "The patient has already been radiated twice, doctor. Here in her card it's stated that the first was done in December and the second in February". Without uttering a word he again flipped through some pages of my files and then continued, "Ok. I think I'll do an abdomen check on you now. Can you please go to the examination room". I got up from the chair, and handed my bag to E-Ya. At this point of time I also noticed that E-Ya was keeping very quite. I know she was in her pissed off mode.

I proceeded to the examination room together with nurse Kismah at my side. I turned to her and said, "That's the problem if we keep changing doctors, eh?" Nurse Kismah replied, "What to do Kak. Your doctor the Prof. is a very busy man. In between lectures, he's constantly needed to perform operations". Yaa... what to do?

You see, my suppossedly doctor is Prof Hatta who happens to also be the head of Department of O&G (colonoscopy unit) and a surgeon and also a lecturing doctor. To date out of the numerous appointments that I been to, I manage to see him twice only. When I was previously warded I only saw him once. Normally it was his junior specialists whom I got to see. So far no complaints. Well not until now, that is. Hee!

In the room, as I layed down on the examination bed, I could hear the doctor talking to E-Ya in the doctor's room. However, I couldn't figure out the details of the conversation. No worries , she'll sure to report to me later.

The doctor did the routine check up by pressing and knocking his fingers on my abdomen, and pelvis. He did not make any comments as he did the check-up and I was also not in the mood to ask. A few minutes later, he then said that he wanted to check my neck.

Previously the doctors would either asked me to sit up, bent my head down or remain lying and look up. But this doctor was different. With me still lying on the bed, he asked me to bend my head not the usual up, but down. And have I mention to you about the examination bed? Well take a look below:

See... It is not the ordinary kind of bed where it is all even around. It has a cutting at the bottom of the bed. When you do pap smear or speculum you would have to put your legs apart on either sides of the bed cutting I guess. But I'm not doing those tests. The upper side of the bed was a bit raised thus, leaving my calves dangling at the small cutting. Very uncomfortable ... very, the very ... very ...

So with me in the above position, it's only logical that the neck area will feel hard as rock to touch. Kenape? Tak percaya ker? Ok ... you all cuba try test buat tengok...

To make matters worst, the doctor was pressing my neck at the wrong place. I had the lump on the lefthand side, above the collarbone beside the thyroid gland but he instead went and pressed me at the side almost towards the back of my neck! Apa kah?

Initially I wanted to correct him but when he said, "Ni rasa keras lagi ni..." I only manage to say this, "Bukan kat situ memang keras ke doktor?".

"Ye ker?" he said and you guys know what he did after that? He went on to feel his own neck pulak! Mak... tolong aku mak! Again, in my books, he failed. If only I could get another doctor to check me at the time... hem... Dream on.

After the checking I was again in the doctor's room to hear what he has to say. It took him several seconds again to flick through my file before he finally said, "There's a mass still there..." Silence. He's writting something on the papers. A few seconds later I asked, "There? Where? Abdomen, pelvis or neck? Pelvis, I suppose?"

He replied, "Yes, but the other parts like spleen and kidneys are OK. Nevermind, you have another appointment with Onco next month right? Go to them and hear what they have to say". Apa kah??? You mean you're not sure yourself? But, I still kept my cool, even as E-Ya was already giving me kicks under the table.

Alright, if he means that the mass is in the pelvic area, where the uterus is. I agree. I somehow do feel that there is still something not right with my uterus. So I asked, "What can be done, doctor?" But maybe he did not hear my question, for he just kept quiet. Hee! (dah berapa kali 'hee' ni?)

Tapi tu lah kan. Lain yang ditanya lain pulak yang dijawab. He said, "You know you are stage 4 already? And being at that stage you know ..."

Hearing this I was 'truly deeply madly' fed up. I didn't let him finished for I replied, "Ya, cannot be cured only be monitored and help to minimised the illness or pain". Come onlah. You don't have to repeat things that I already know. Tell me something new, something practical, something applicable, something I could do and practice to "minimise the illness and pain" as you doctors often said.

To add time as I noticed it's only about 15 minutes since I entered the doctor's room, I just mentioned to him about my "twitches" or cramps and lymphedema problem. While he checks my prescribtion from the computer, I keep getting E-Ya's free kicks from down under the table.

"I can only give you vitamins. Calcium" was the awaited answer. I told him I'm already taking calcium-magnesium vitamins, plus others as well, he said "That's the only thing I can give you. Who gave you the vitamins?". Apakah? Sapa bagi? Beli sendirila... My lymphedema? What lymphedema? He didn't even commented on that. Didn't hear again, I suppose. Hee!

Lepas tu, I really felt that if I could fly, I would have shot right through the door. Really, I felt that I was just wasting my time. I thought I could get some good advice as to how to take care of myself better, how to manage my pains better, and what did I get? A doctor who acts ting tong ting tong... Hee!

It's not too much to say that I get better advices from other cancer survivors such as Sis Raden Galoh and Prof Hasanah. Just go to their blogs and you'll know what I mean. At least from them I know what to do when I'm in pain, I know what to eat to build up my immune system plus many many others. Kudos to the both of them. My deepest thanks for all the tips and advices that both of you share with me and others to emulate in battling cancer.

Nevertheless, I do still need to go the hospital for medical certificates. My still not so stabilised condition does not permit me to go back teaching so I need to go and see the doctor for MCs. FIY, I am in the process of applying for a 2 year leave starting from last January 2009. So far no fuss in getting the MCs, but from this doctor? Hee... no need to tell herelah... Karang mau terbalik meja nanti.

So with the time span of nearly 20 minutes we left the doctor's room. No usual words of thanks to the doctor this time. Sorry morry... I was dissapointed and a bit angry OK. I was in such a hurry to step out from his room, I didn't even push in back the chair and nearly forgot to take my bag along. It was E-Ya who said, "Acik, tak nak bag ke?".

Out from the vicinity of the O&G unit, I looked at E-Ya and E-Ya looked at me. Then both of us blurted out simultaneously. After that, I talked first. Then her. E-Ya's opinion of the doctor was no better. She said, "Acik didn't you get my signal when I keep kicking your leg just now? I wanted to tell you it's actually a waste of your time telling him your condition when he obviously does not know what to do or is not interested to hear".

"Well, I thought he could give something to control my twitches and lymphedema. I never expected him to just prescribed me with just calcium. I heard the doctor talking to you too. What did he say?" I asked.

"Alah what else... The same stage 4 thinglah. Whether I know what that means. Are you active. I mean it's not as if this is the first time we're hearing the news, right?".

"So what did you tell him?" I asked.

"I told him I know treatment is only palliative and that you are also not bed-ridden. You always take morning walks and do exercises. Ahh ... one more thing he asked, to which I think is the most funniest of all. He said like this.., can she accept that she has the cancer?", E-Ya said.

"Can I accept I have cancer? As if it's a choice? As if I can reject it if I can't accept the cancer? What did you reply?" I asked.

"The truthlah... I said a few days after knowing, you can already joke with us as if nothing bad had happened", was the answer.

"Laa... " I said, "You don't have to say it exactly like that. The doctor must think I'm nuts or something"

"Better than him who is so insensitive to his patient's conditon. Like just now when he said you have a mass there in the pelvis. Why didn't he sent you for ultra sound or suggest a CT scan or anything like that to confirm it? He did nothing right?", E-Ya argued.

"Let's just wait what the onco doctors will do then" I said ending our conversation on the subject as we headed back home.

So people, that was why I felt like punching the doctor in the face. Don't get me wrong. I am not seeking VIP treatment everytime I come for treatment. I don't expect them to perform miracles on me. But don't tell me things I already know. Be more attentive and respond intelligently to my questions. Show at least some care towards your patients' condition. Don't repeatedly remind me that I am terminal. No hope. To me it's the same as if you are telling me to just go back home and recite the surah "Yaseen". At the same time I am not in denial. I know my condition, options and chances... and last but not least - Don't give me the "LOOK". I could see that right through that doctor's face. Dhushh!

P/s :
1. It seem that it's the season to be sick. I'm down with flu, have been for a week now. The body aches all over. But otherwise I'm OK.

2. I got news that one of my colleague in school had also been detected with cancer. Breast cancer. Will write about this later. Bubye!

Apa dah jadi ???

Inilah entry yg aku maksudkan yg telah disabotaj oleh E-Ya haritu. Hanya a few paragraphs atas je yg original, yg lain semua kena taip balik. Tapi pokoknya keseluruhan contentnya lebih kurang macam yg asal. Inipun jenuh jugak membuatnya ni. Here goes...

*****************************************************************************************************************************************

Emmmmm ...... chak!

It's been a while ya? Firstly, I've been busy receiving guests to my house. Not for any particular event, just relatives paying visit. My sister, my brother, my cousins and my aunt. Secondly, I have not been feeling well. Nothing serious though, but sometimes I have aches and pain that are truly unbearable.

I don't know how and why my situation is as such. I completed my second round of radiotherapy to the aortic lymph nodes and neck in mid February. Back then the only side effect I endured was the sore in my throat and because of that I had trouble swallowing food and water. Tapi nak survive punya pasal, terjegil-jegil biji matapun tak kisah. Telan je semua. Syukur that ordeal lasted for only about 3 weeks. Other than that nothing. I was not nauseous nor was I fatigue. Other supposedly known side effects I read from the internetpun I tak kena. Alhamdullilah for that.

I even had time to go holidaying with my nieces to Penang and Langkawi, remember? In Langkawi, I even went Island hopping, naik cable car and what not. This was just 2 weeks after my radiotherapy ni. Betul-betul tak ingat dunialah time tu. For island hopping we hired a boat to go to Tasik Dayang Bunting and two other islands. The journey was not tiring but the boat ride was sure bumpy. The boat rocked up and down against the waves and masya Allah masa tu rasa macam my uterus pun turut bounced, atas bawah tunggang terbalik je dalam perut. Nasib baik tak jd apa-apa. OK je. After that, life was pretty normal. My health was good and I enjoyed doing all the normal things I do.

But of late, three weeks back to be exact, I have been having this muscle twitch. Some call it twitch, some call it cramp while others call it spasms. Whatever the term is, it sure is driving me crazy. The muscle that is giving me problem is the muscle around my abdomen, just below the rib cage. It's the spot where I got my lymph nodes radiated. It's not that painful actually. The feeling is just like you've just had a slight electric shock, or like someone had just given you a sharp poke and you suddenly jolt yourself forward, backward or sideways depending on where the twitch is. Each twitch normally lasts a few seconds and is at an interval of a few minutes between each twitch. Luckily now I know how to control and not jolt so much. If not it can be quite embarassing. Yelah... if it happens in public, those who do not know that I am not well, will think, "Apa kena pompuan ni? Tiba-tiba je terlentik kiri, kanan, depan dan belakang"? Paling tidakpun they'll think I'm doing some kind of dance routine ke hape. Tak ke haruuu ..?

The twitch as described above is not a problem. But the one that really bothers me is when several twitches occurs concurrently along the whole stretch of the abdomen, sometimes spreading to the back. Boy, when that happens ... my body will be in pain and I have difficulty breathing, with the chest feeling tight. My abdomen will be hard as rock, sensitive to touch and I have to take deep breaths to minimise the pain. Most of the time this method works. If not I will lie down sideways with pillows slightly raised, zikr and pray for the pain to subside and my breathing back to normal. Paling tidakpun I'll try to fall asleep with the pain because when I wake up it's usually gone. If this also fails then it's the pain killers for me. What kind of problem is thislah?

Well, I guess I'll only know if it's anything serious when I go see my doctor. I have two appointments in waiting. One's tommorow, the other on 26 May. The former with O&G while the latter with the Onco unit. Only then will I know what's wrong with me. I pray to God that it's nothing.

Another problem that I notice I'm going through is lymphedema (secondary). Lymphedema is the buildup of lymph fluid resulting in swelling, tightness and discomfort to the affected areas. Damage to or blockage of the lymph system is the cause of lymphedema and in cancer patients, this damage is usually due to surgery or radiation therapy. I was radiated at the pelvis, aortic lymph nodes and neck area. The infusion of veins and lymph nodes must have cause some kind of blockage to my lymphatic system in those areas and as a result I have fluid buildup at the lower pelvic area. Not painful though. Thank God the alMighty for that.

If the conditon is not serious such as in my case (I think), lymphedema can be managed through exercise (see the link here) and wearing of tight garment to the affected area. Wearing of tight garment to the affected area??? Ahaaa...

Now let's see... I am affected at the pelvis, meaning the suitable garment there would be pants. Tak kira lerr yg luar ke atau yg dalam. Hemm... imagine .... me wearing tight leathery pants like the one worn by CATWOMAN or maybe me with seluar kecik like WONDERWOMAN doing my morning walk. Huu huuu... wouldn't that be marvellous, eh? Err... bertebiat apa aku??? Ada yang bakal lari lintang pukang nanti... Hihihi...

Lately I have also noticed that I am becoming quite forgetful sometimes. I will forget where I put my purse, my car keys, my watch. my spectacles. I will also sometimes forget whether I have done the things that I need to be done. Maybe E-Ya's theory that some of my "wires" dah putus might be true after all. I also tend to say something else when in actual I mean another thing. Tongue slip ups, so's to speak. This slip ups can sometimes be quite hilarious and sometimes embarassing . Here are some examples:

Scene 1 : E-Ya and me at a food stall. Behind the food stall is a mini market.

E-Ya : "Acik, nak beli lauk apa ni?"

Me : "Belilah apa pun. Tapi 3 lauk, sayur jgn lupa". With that I handed her RM 12. Then I continued, "Lepas beli

tu tunggu Acik kat sini. Acik nak masuk mini market tu beli BMW".

Punyalah tak sedar what I've just said.

E-Ya : "Apa? BMW? Acik nak beli BMW dalam mini market tu? Sure?"

Ding Donggg...! Man... what was I thinking? Manalah aku ada duit ratus ribu ribu ribu nak beli BMW. Mati, hidup, mati lepas itu hidup balikpun takkan merasa pakai BMW punyalah. And even if I have the cash, takkanlah BMW ada jual kat dalam mini market, ye tak? Sungguh tak logik. We then laughed our heads off depan adik jual lauk yang terpinga-pinga melihat kami time tu.

Scene 2 : E-Ya and me at home. E-Ya was getting ready to go out for her tutoring job.

Me : " Hari ni tuition balik lambat kan? Acik ingat Acik nak keluar pegi Carrefour beli baranglah"

E-Ya : "Tak payahlah. Tunggu aje bila Ya free. Kita pergi beli sama-sama. Lagipun nanti bila dah beli barang, Acik tak larat nak bawak, berat".

Me : "Alah... macam tak biasa. Kan trailer ada".

E-Ya : "Berapa lori barang yang Acik nak beli sampai kena guna trailer ni?"

Oppss... I did it again. The word trolley boleh tukar jadi trailer. Again we laughed at my mistake.

Scene 3 : E-Ya and me at home watching TV. The show was showing the singer Camelia wearing a dress designed by Tom Abang Saufi. E-Ya kind of liked the dress and asked me if I know the fashion.

E-Ya : "Cantikan baju dia Acik? Kalau Ya pakaipun mesti cantik jugak" (PRASAN...)

Me : "Alah bajutu simple je lah. Two piece tu. Inner dia t'shirt putih biasa je. Yang kat luar tu dia guna batik,macam baju Jepun komino tu, cuma pendik dengan tali di depan. Tak susahlah"

E-Ya : "Apa? Komino? Putus wire ek? Kimonolah ... apa daa Acik ni..."

Me : "Acik sebut komino ke? Eleh... ta kisahlah. Itu nasib baik lagi tu Acik sebut komino. Kalau Acik sebut KOMODO, amacam"?

Scene 4 : My sister, E-Ya and me in the living room. My sister was packing her bags to go back to Kelantan.

Me : "E-Ya pergi ambik coklat utk Along bawak balik. Ada dalam almari tu. Nanti lupa".

E-Ya : "Okay"

Diapun berjalanlah ke dapur ambik coklat DAIM yang banyak org suka kirim kalau sapa-sapa pergi Langkawi. Dengar khabar coklat tu kat KL ni harganya 2x ganda mahal dari Langkawi. Ntah apa sedapnya pun I don't know.

Me : "Kak, tu je ada ole-ole dari Langkawi. Dulu ada gak satu lagi coklat laintu. Dalam dia ada kelapa, luar nya salut coklat. Sedap jugak. Namanya coklat BON BON. Tapi dah habislah pulak"

Masatu terdengar E-Ya tergelak besar terbahak-bahak dari dapur. Aku jadi pelik. Apa kes budak ni, tiba-tiba gelak mcm tu. Meroyan apa?

E-Ya : "Apa Acik? BON BON? Hahahaha ... BON BONlah sangat. Coklat tu namanyer BOUNTY lahh... Hahahaha. Coklat BON BON tu coklat Acik agaknya... Hahaha... Nasib baik tak sebut BONTON !"

"Tak klakarpun", kata hati aku. But nevertheless, masa tu teruk jugaklah aku kena ketawa semata-mata disebabkan dek perkataan BON BON tu.

Those are just 4 examples of slip ups that I've committed and luckily it's just between me and family. There are others, but I can't remember. But there's this one incident that I cannot forget and I called it the "mother of all scenes". It happened last week. It's like this:

E-Ya and me were on our way back from our morning exercise. She was driving and we're heading to this mamak restaurant to buy breakfast. It was decided we'll have roti canai that morning. Normally we'll buy 2 roti telur and 2 plain ones. But today we wanted to add our order to 3 roti telur and 4 plain ones.

Once arrived, E-Ya parked the car and I got out. I have been to this restuarant before and the mamak has already recognised me. From far I could see him nodding his head acknowledging me. As usual, I will normally go straight to him to place my order. I will stand in front him, say my order and wait while watching him as he "tebar" his roti. OKlah tu...

However that day something else happened. I started off by putting up three fingers, opened my mouth to say out my order, but the words that came out were only these - "Telur... telur ... err ... telur...." slowly pulak tu...

The mamak was puzzled, raised one of his eye brow, "Huh?" he said.

I patted my head several times with one hand while the other hand is still showing the three fingers to the mamak and said, "Alah hai .... apa yerr...?" I was totally blank. Serious, I did not remember anything else except the word "TELUR".

"Kakak mau apa?", the mamak asked already impatient, I guess. Before I answered him I took one deep breadth, rolled up my eyes trying hard to think, waited several seconds and quickly blurted "Bagi saya 3 roti telur, 4 roti biasa...!". Fuhhh! Finally got that right!

"Ohhh, itu ka?" the mamak said, smilling. "OK" moving his head the way Indian folks do.

When I entered the car I related the incident to E-Ya. She laughed and laughed and laughed until I had to asked her to stop. Then she said, "Acik, ntah apalah mamak tu ingat... "

Oh well. Let's just hope the mamak doesn't think I'm some kind of lady pervert sudah... Let's see if he gives me the "LOOK" next time I go buy roti canai from him. If he does, I think I'll have to find another place to buy roti canai then. Malu seh...

So that's what is happening to me right now. I am not worried about this forgetfulness or slip ups as long as it does not affect my illness much. Come to think of it, sometimes it's things like these that brighten up my day. It makes my family and me happy. Happy means more endorphins produced. More endorphins mean my cancer cells are in danger and when they are in danger I'll on the other hand, be out of danger. What better way to combat cancer, eh?

Dhush! AlKaput ...

Argghhhhhhhhh!!!

Benganglah ni.... aku baru je habis type entry aku petang tadi. Punyalah happy hati penuh gumbira dapat meng-update blog. Pasal lama tak update blog ni pun satu hal. Pertama sebab kesihatan kurang mengizinkan jadi tak de mood memanjang. Kedua pulak sebab modem wireless kat rumah buat perangai. So terpaksa selongkar cari balik modem lama yg tak wireless, sambung pakai cablelah jawabnya. Tapi sebelum tu kena pergi kedai pulak beli ethernet cable satu lagi untuk laptop sebab malas nak cabut-cabut cable desktop kat tingkat atas kalau nak pakai laptop kat bawah. Port ethernet kat modem tu pulak ada satu saja. Jadi kalau pakai internet kat desktop maknanya laptop tak boleh dan kalau pakai internet kat laptop, desktop pulak tak boleh. Leceh lagi melecehkan. Nak beli wireless modem baru, budget tak cukup. Lagipun keperluan tak mendesak. Internet masih boleh guna walaupun bukan wireless dan asyik cabut-pasang cable.

So petang ni nampak gaya feng shui memblog semua baik, jadi akupun duduklah dalam bilik aku mengadap desktop. Aku start menaip pukul 3 petang, masatu aku dengar E-Ya start kereta. keluar dan tutup gate utk pergi keluar mengajar student dia di Wangsa Maju. Tapi aku tak keluarpun tengok dia sebab tengah bersemangat menaip blog. 1 jam lebih aku duduk tup tap, tup tap depan PCtu menaip. Azan Asar berkumandang, aku stop kejap utk solat. Time tu jugak aku dengar E-Ya sampai depan rumah bukak gate utk masuk parking. Diapun tak masuk bilik tengok aku tengah buat apa. Aku punya khusyuk pulak tak sedar dia pun tengah buat apa. Tapi legaaaa kata hati sebab kalau tidak, dia mesti mengacau aku punyalah. Lepas tu sambung balik memblog, sampailah memanjat ke pukul 6 petang lebih. Panjang nak citernya kau ....

Dah puas hati dah dengan apa yg ditulis, akupun tekan button "publish". Tiba-tiba aku dapat message "page cannot be displayed". Laa ... apa ke hea nyer pulok ni, kata hati aku. Lagi teruk sepanjang aku menaip entry, aku tak pulak sedar yg tulisan aku itu tak di auto-savekan...

Tiba-tiba mata aku terprasan yg icon kecik gambar dua bijik computer bermaksud "Local area connection" kat sebelah kanan bawah PC tu ada tanda X - menandakan yang connectionnya dah terputus. Akupun heran. Hujan tak da, ribut tak da, tak kan cable boleh tercabut. Akupun turun bawahlah nak tengok apa masalahnya.

Bengang aku bila dapat tahu apa, or to be precise siapa puncanya... E-YA !!! Arghhhhhhh! Ghhrrrr!!! Rupa-rupanya dia dah lama cabut cable ethernet PC aku dan dipasangnya cable laptop dia. Padanlah bila aku cuba publish aku dapat message "page cannot be displayed" dan bila tekan button "back" aku dapati lebih 75% entry aku alkaput. Hilang ....... semuanya.

Aku jerit kat dia, "Wei ... sapa suruh kau cabut cable Acik hah???? Habis entry Acik hilang yang tinggal ciput aje....penat memikir dan menaip, weiiii!"

Dia yang tengah lepak baring-baring depan TV, ready nak tengok cerita MATAHARI pusing kat aku and cakap, "Eh, ye ke? Jangan marah hahhhh .... Ya ingat Acik tidur dalam bilik, so Ya pun pasanglah internet. Dah lama dah Ya pasang. Heh..." dengan senyum kemewe nye.

Aku dah siap dengan jelingan maut aku dah tapi nampaknya tak berkesan sebab dia boleh cakap lagi macam ni, "Alah nanti bukan tak boleh tulis balik. Dahlah tu berhenti menaip, tutup PC. Mari kita tengok TV sambil makan ayam Kenny Rogers, lagi best". Kebetulan ayam Kenny Rogers yang dibeli tengahari td memang masih ada lagi satu set tak bermakan...

Time tu aku rasa macam nak terkam aje kat budak tu, wrestling dia sampai lembik. Nak bagi dia Dhusshh! Sebiji kat pipi kiri. Dhusshh! Sebiji kat pipi kanan. Biar berterabur gigi dia dari gusi. Sabor je la...

Jadi atas sebab itu, aku tak jadi nak letak entry baru aku di sini. Lain kali lah update balik nampaknya. Tak ingatpun dah kebanyakannya apa yg aku tulis tadi. Kenapa jadi begini? Bacalah sebabnya di entry akan datang. Wa blah lah dulu... tak de mood. Nak pegi makan ayam. Ye... ingat kulit nya mesti dibuang... Ciao ...

Earth Hour

Actually wanted to blog about this yesterday, tapi datang Cik E-ya mengacau suruh temankan dia makanlah, tengok tvlah, itu la, ini la ... sampaikan terpaksa ditunda. Tak kisahlah kan janji dapat juga disiapkan hari ni. Here goes...

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Kecoh satu Malaya hari Sabtu lepas pasal 60 Earth Hour. Di tv, for the past week hari-hari ada kempen suruh tutup semua lampu, kipas dan sebagainya selama 1 jam (jerr...) dari pukul 8.30 pm sampailah ke pukul 9.30 pm. Sampaikan budak-budak kecikpun excited tak sabar nak menunggu detik Earth Hour ni. Kita rakyat Malaysia sama-sama diseru untuk menyelamatkan bumi selama satu jam dalam satu hari dari 365 hari atau 8,760 jam yang kita ada dalam setahun. Err... boleh selamatke bumi dengan cara ini? Hemmm ....

So di hari dan waktu yang ditetapkan akupun dah ready-readylah... Bukan ready nak tutup lampu, tapi ready nak skodeng rumah neighbour-neighbour aku samada mereka sama-sama berjuang atau tidak untuk menyelamatkan bumi kita yg katanya dah agak kronik dek perbuatan manusia, termasuk aku. Eii ... malu nyerrr...

Jam menunjukkan pukul 8.40 pm. Akupun mulakan operasi aku. Mula-mula aku buka tv dulu... yelah dah hari hari org tv suruh org lain tutup lampu jd aku nak tengok jugak samaada org-org tv ni jenis orng pandai cakap je atau jenis "walk the talk" kata org. What did I found out? Well, di TV8 aku dapat mesej ni...

Wah kata hatiku, "Bagus bagus bagus ... menyahut seruan betul ni..." Tapi kemudian terfikir pulak. Walaupun tiada siaran tp tak bermakna dia orng kat stesyen tv nun di sana tu tutup semua suis dia orngkan? Yelah kalau tutup semua, mesti mesej mcm di atas tu tak boleh kuar punya... So kesimpulannya - WHAT EARTH HOUR ???

Pencarian aku diteruskan ke saluran tv-tv lain. Yang menjadi target aku kumpulan Media Prima le.. dah dia orng yg bebenor beriya-iya sangat dalam kempen ni. Aku nak tau jugak. So aku pun tekan TV 3, dapat yg ini ...

Tengah buletin utama beb... tengah buat laporan sukan ttng kejayaan si Rizal ni dalam lumba basikal dunia - What Earth Hour???

Lepas tu aku pergi pulak ke saluran TV9, muncul pulak rancangan si Nabil Raja Lawak kat situ ....

Earth Hour?? Lu pikirlah sendiri !

Beralih ke NTV7 , aku dikejutkan pulak dengan muka mamat di bawah ni... Kus semangat... nasib baik tak heart failure...

Betul bang ooi..., Ia amat mengagumkan - Terima kasih

Lepas tu aku boring, dalam hati, "Alah Media Prima ni cakap aje pandai, dia suruh orng bergelap selama 1 jam tp dia sendiri cakap tak serupa bikin. Siap si Dato' Farid Ridhuan tu keluar muka kat TV lg bagi kempen. Ciss Dato' ! You should be ashamed ..." So tak salahlah kalau aku tak ikut kempen Earth Hour nikan? (err...sebenornya nak cari alasan je tu ... hehehe...)

Lepas tu aku buka Channel Hallmark, tengok Oprah lagi baik... Citer pasal orng yg nak kuruskan badan... Macam-macam dibuatnya. Ada yg buat gastric bypass lah, ada yg berdietlah, ada yg ikat saluran perutlah dan ada yg berexercise saja. Walaupun tak kena mengena dgn aku yg dah sedia slim ni, tp aku suka tgok jugk sbb infonya bermanafaat.

Tengok muka orng kaya kat atas tu lagi best dr duduk bergelap ... tp kalau aku amalkan bergelap 1 jam tiap-tiap hari agaknya aku boleh kaya macam Oprah tak?

Sedang duduk best-best tengok TV, tiba tiba ..."Ting ting... ting ting......" Bunyi telefon. Hishhh kacau aje. Sapa pulak mesej ni?? Rupanya dari adik aku. Dalam hati, siap le mesti tak cukup satu SMS dia ni ...

SMS adik : Earth Hour. Dah tutup lampu ke? (Dlm hati aku, "dah mula dah... tazkirah free")

Aku balas : Banyakla.. Kau nak mak ngan abah menjerit? Lagipun kat sini tak de sapapun tutup lampu, tvpun on je. Malaysia boleh huhu. (Orng tua-tua mana di tahunya bende bende mcm gini... Gate umah terbuka sekejap pun dia orng boleh kecoh, ni kan pulak aku tiba-tiba nak padam lampu satu rumah...Nahaiiii!)

SMS Adik : Kami duduk dalam gelap. Pasang lilin je. (tak boleh ku bayangkan mcm mana anak-anak dia yg 4 orng tu duduk dlm gelap. Duduk dlm terangpun ganas.. hihihi)

Aku balas : Eleh.. kena hurung nyamuklah korang huhu.. Eh bukan asap lilinpun boleh sbbkan global warming ke? Haa kena padam gak tu, hihi (ayat provoke gilerrr)

SMS Adik : Asap lilin sikit je. Pasang 1 je. (ayat ngelat, m'cover gilerrr)

Aku balas : 1ke 2ke 3ke contribute gak. Aku asalnya nak drive keluar pusing-pusing KL nak tngk ramai ke take part padam lampu ni tp tringat nanti asap keta aku akan mybbkan global warming so cancel la jwbnya huhu (betul ... tak tipu, tp dah kena warning tak boleh keluar - dr Cik E-Ya)

SMS Adik : Sini ramai tutup lampu (nak menunjukkan org perumahan dia well educated la konon... Chettt!)

Aku balas : Yo la orng Somonyih hebatla (Dia satu famili la tu). Orng Gombak mmg pengganas tak makan saman. (Siapa lg, kalau bukan aku). Dah gi duk diam-diam dlm gelap tu jgn pagi besok korang nyer serombong kapal hitam sudah la hahahaha (Bg yg tak tau, serombong kapal tu maksudnya lobang idung ...)

SMS Adik : Dia TAK JAWAB daaa ...

Untuk membuktikan kepada adik aku yg sememangnya orng-orng di kejiranan aku tak ikutpun Earth Hour akupun mulakan operasi kedua aku "menskodeng" rumah neighbour. Nanti dia dtng umah nak ku tunjukkan kpdnya.

Aku capai kamera ku yg dah siap siaga dr awal td lalu akupun pusing kiri, dapatlah suasana ini:

Lampu di taman permainan sebelah umahpun terang benderang. Nun di hujung sana pulak rumah orng, terang benderang jugak.

Lepastu aku pusing kanan pulak. Snap pulak gambar kat bawah ni.

Kat condo tupun banyak lg yg lampunya terpasang. Macam tak Earth Hour jerr ..

Depan rumah pulak inilah snapshot yg aku dapat ...

Ish ish ish, earth hour apa gaya gini? Dari banyak yg aku tengok, ada la satu yg menyertai kempen. Lampu jalanpun terpasang?

Haaaa ini apa pulak ni kat bawah ni? Tu la... korang mesti dari tadi dok mengutuk aku tak sokong kempen Earth hour kan? Eee ... tak baik tau ... Sapa cakap aku tak sokong? Aku sokong..., sedikit sedikittt...

Ini adalah gambar dalam bilik aku. See.. .. .semua gelap gulita kan? Ada nampak muka aku tak? Aku ber "Earth Hour" kat dalam bilik aku tau. Semua suis lampu, TV, kipas, komputer, printer, scanner, sterika, even plug charger hand phone pun aku offkan tau... tak caya gi tanya cicak yg selalu ada dalam bilik aku tu ...